Wednesday, 20 May 2009
-
Back When I Knew It All
Once in my lifetime, I used to know all the answers. It was actually surprisingly easy.
I was sitting in a lounge at a table over a game, when the girl I was with blurted out, "What is wrong with me?" I was not entirely taken aback when that happened, because I knew that she'd just been dumped by her boyfriend, and he'd been pretty quick to move on to the next girl. Of course, I knew exactly why it happened, so I said, "Well, friend, this other girl is more of his type. He's shallow and insensitive, and she's probably better-looking than you." That was honestly the truth, but it shouldn't have come as any surprise that she didn't take that statement too well, and didn't talk to me for several days.
I once was in a room with a friend who was wondering why he had not gotten the job that her friend had gotten. Both were well-qualified, but the bosses liked one over the other. It hurt my friend that she had not gotten the job, but the fact that someone so close had taken it out of her hands made her inconsolable. She wondered aloud why she had not gotten the position, I took the opportunity to gently help her grow, "Keep working. Soon, you'll be better than her." Again, it was the truth, as my friend soon became excellent in that field, but my truthful words severed our relationship, and it was never the same again.
A good friend and I were once in a class together. He and I studied together constantly, and both of us put in the time and effort necessary to succeed in the class. However, I did very well, and soon was at the top of the class, while my friend, though excellent in many areas, continued to struggle to keep a passing grade. He once asked why, when we both worked so hard, he struggled so much, while I seemed to have it easy. I told him, "My brain just picks this kind of stuff up really quickly, and yours doesn't." I couldn't understand why, after that, he was so distant.
I was young in those days, and my judgment and speech was colored by my own thoughts and emotions. I tried to be honest, but I was honest in the wrong way. The rejected girl was someone I adored, but didn't have the courage to tell her. I so admired and envied the overlooked girl for her skills and abilities in a field I would have died to get in, and I was so jealous of my friend's skills and abilities with people that I lost sight of their interests.
I'm older and wiser now. When friends are in need, I can put those things away. Before, when I thought I knew the answers, I was just spitting my opinion. Now, I know better. I don't know everything, and in some cases, I don't know hardly anything. But this much I know: It's much better to speak with an attitude of grace and love for others.
-
recommend
- recs 5
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to ZJiff30's Xanga Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in ZJiff30's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (9)
So true.
So true. Great post!!
nice. way to be sensitive. there are ways to be "right." be right the right way, eh?
i need some sensitivity training, too. ahem.
you never know enough.
I know what you mean, somedays I have to remember to use the "filter" when I speak
@TheBigShowAtUD - yeah, I'm slowly learning that "right way". When I get some helpful info, I'll pass it on.
@elelkewljay - Too true.
@Adventures_of_BadNana - My friend and I used to joke that the "filter" in our brain never got installed properly.
shows that the true really hurts. truth = insensitive = hurt feelings = detachment
=/
I once was in a room with a friend who was wondering why he had not
gotten the job that her friend had gotten. Both were well-qualified,
but the bosses liked one over the other. It hurt my friend that she
had not gotten the job, but the fact that someone so close had taken it
out of her hands made her inconsolable. She wondered aloud why she had
not gotten the position, I took the opportunity to gently help her
grow, "Keep working. Soon, you'll be better than her." Again, it was
the truth, as my friend soon became excellent in that field, but my
truthful words severed our relationship, and it was never the same
again.
so how are you going to tell this friend if it happened again? if it isnt going to be saying " keep working. soon you'll be better than her.", then how should or could you put across in a more gracious way? example? im learning from this weblog entry. it's good. infact, what i spoke are colored by my thoughts and emotions too. im learning to be better each day.
Dear Zach,
I'm going over the list of people who've recently subbed to my blog, WhenWordsCollide. I don't think I've been over here to thank you. You subscribed on 5/7, a couple of weeks ago. I remember coming over here, but since the entry I saw concerned Xangans I don't know or have never heard of, I couldn't comment intelligently so I just figured I'd come back later. If you've commented on my blog, and I haven't returned the favor, my apologies.
So first of all, thanks so very much for the subscription. I usually post an entry three times a week. My latest displays a "history" of Xanga, but my regular posts are a mixture of my poetry, prose, videos, art, and photography. (And, by the way, that would answer your question from your previous post about "what is your talent?"
Now to the subject at hand. I have to smile as I read this. I don't know your age, (I'm 56) however you seem to have gained wisdom, in knowing what to say and what not to say, after making the same mistakes a few times in the name of "honesty".
I have always been brutally honest. A good friend once told me I was "honest to the point of tactlessness" and that is what you are describing here. You weren't a "know it all", and really, you weren't expressing just your opinion, but you were assessing the truth of these situations. The respondents didn't want to hear the truth, and they severed their relationships with you. Actually, you were just acting as the "messenger" for the truth, and they were, in effect "killing the messenger".
However, tact is an elemental brick of society, and if we don't practice it, we lose our societal status, and remain, for the most part, alone. I'm always attempting to tone down what I perceive to be the "truth" when it might hurt the feelings of the respondent. I'll still have my "opinion" but it won't be smeared all over the sadness of the person to whom it might have been directed.
Great observations.
Michael F. Nyiri, poet, philosopher, fool